The journey...10 months post surgery

It is weird to be writing down the thoughts, emotions and sensations that have occurred over the last 10 months of my recovery from my gastric bypass surgery. After feeling like mentally I have hit a wall I felt like maybe if I wrote down the things that I have gone through and some of the little things I have learned along the road maybe it would help me break through the barrier I have set up within myself.

I think if I am going to make this anywhere close to worthwhile to anyone including myself I should start at the very beginning of my journey, the reasons behind making my decision to have the surgery in the first place.

I would have to say that the first time I felt the truest symptoms of what I would later find out to be fibromyalgia was when I was a sophomore in high school, 1995. I had been in a very serious car accident that summer and having had 2 pretty serious horseback riding accidents the previous summer I had been experiencing some, more than usual, back pain. Being a heavy girl my entire life I didn't really think much of it after the accidents and having had large breasts since puberty I had gotten used to the pain. It was when I started waking up in the morning feeling like I was 90 years old and then the constant shooting pains throughout my back and other major muscles on a regular basis that I started to think this was something more than what I had originally thought.

I started seeing several doctors on a monthly basis as well as a physical therapist 2x a week and a massage therapist every two weeks. As things continued to progress pain wise and I was not getting any better while my 20+ doctors tried to figure out what was wrong with me. It was actually my physical therapist who finally figured out that I was suffering from fibromyalgia. Once I was finally "diagnosed" I was able to get some more specialized treatment and medication. I continued to go to both my physical therapist and massage therapist as well as the myriad of doctors trying to make me feel somewhat human.

By 2008 I was on 12 daily pain medications, anti-depression medication, anti-anxiety medication, 8 vitamins and it still felt like NOTHING was working. I felt like I was a walking zombie, I was constantly tired and trying my best to function like any normal human being but it was a daily struggle. All I wanted was to be a normal 20something, going out and spending time with my friends, being able to drink and stay out late. Instead I was stuck having to come home early most nights, not being able to take even a small drink, and being all around miserable 99% of the time from constant pain. I met with my primary care physician during this time on a monthly basis and she mentioned to me that I may want to consider gastric bypass surgery as a last ditch effort for some relief from the pain. At this time I was not ready to hear any of this nor was I ready to accept that I was nearly 300lbs. I continued to suffer with this constant pain and despite the medication my depression was getting worse. I started to internalize what I was feeling even more than I would usually and started to withdraw even more than I would usually. In June of 2008 I decided I needed to get away from everyone and everything and try for a new start. I moved from my parents home in Massachusetts to a little mill town in Rhode Island. I thought this would be my new start and would bring up my morale and possibly help in some way. What I didn't realize at the time, but know very clearly now is the real reason I left, I was closing myself off. I started to shut out my friends and family. I wouldn't call back my closest friends. I would get up in the morning, go to work, come home and go to bed. I very rarely did things with my friends. I continued to completely shut myself off from everyone who cared about me and eat myself into oblivion. It got to a point where I was over 300lbs and in horrible pain and so depressed I could barely get out of bed some days.

It was at my August check-in with my primary care physician that I finally agreed to see at least a nutritionist if she would agree to find someone who actually understood me. After a few days we were able to find my nutritionist Ashley. I don't think I will ever forget my intake review with Ashley because it was truly an eye opening experience for me. As we were going through my daily food log for the previous week and I was listing off the horrible things that I had been eating on a continuous basis she didn't judge me once. After we had finished with all of the horrible details and her very basic recommendations on where I can start she referred me to try their weight management program and meet with the Dr. who was running the program to see what I thought and if it would be a good fit. I left there that day with no intention of changing what I was eating and even less intention of scheduling an appointment with ANOTHER Dr. A couple of days later I started to get really sick and I could barely walk up 5 stairs to get to an appointment I had without being winded. I decided that it couldn't hurt to meet with the Dr. and see what she had to say. I called the next morning and got an appointment on the books for the following month.

September 2008 was the start of my new life, it was the month I made the decision to change everything I knew and start over.